Golden Globes Fashion In Review

It's the Golden Globes so obviously the most important thing is not who won (with nominations that stupid do the winners even matter?) but what everyone looked like so that's what we'll talk about. 

There were definitely a few big trends that every stylist in Hollywood was peddling to their clients with varying degrees of success. 

Green With Envy

Mila Kunis, whose wardrobe had been fairly monochromatically thematic since the release of Black Swan...

Catherine Zeta Jones with a touch of Old Hollywood Glamour about her...

Elizabeth Moss in her "I'm newly single" ensemble...

Angelina Jolie with an all-too-familiar style that benefits greatly from the unexpectedly delicious color...

The ladies in green were winners across the board.

The Carpet Matches The Dress

Christina Hendricks may have been trying to draw attention away from her breasts to give them a break from getting all the attention.  That's really the only way to explain the worlds largest shoulder ruffle.  I've tried very hard and I can think of no explanation for what is happening with her hair. 

January Jones has an enviable body but, it's been suggested, that she may have no personality whatsoever to go alone with it.  So I guess this atrocious concoction is her way of accentuating the positive?

Sophia Vergara came as a Latin Jessica Rabbit and pulled it off.  She wins in the red category by a landslide.

Live Nudes

Leighton Meester might have come right from the set of a new movie where she's playing a Mormon fundamentalist.  That's the only explanation I can offer for this overly modest, boring dress. 

Michelle Williams continues to look so gorgeous with a pixie haircut that I have to FORCE myself not to run out and get one just like it.  Sadly, I don't have to force myself not to buy her dress because it's much too twee for my taste. 

Dianna Agron looked stunning in an incredibly simple dress with spare but very sparkly accessories and hair and makeup appropriately gorgeous for the occasion. 

Sandra Bullock's dress was droopy which you probably didn't notice because how could you see anything past her thousand pound bangs?  Even if those are for a role, they are not ok.

Kaley Cuoco's tiered organza number was complimented perfectly by sparse jewelry and simple and pretty hair and makeup.

Anne Hathaway's dress fit her like a glove and in the shots from the side where you could see that it was backless, her figure looked absolutely amazing, but between the enormous shoulders and the extreme shininess, it came off looking kind of cheap which is not what you want from your couture.

I couldn't find a single picture of Emma Stone looking good in her dress but on the telecast, it came off much more attractive than in the photos.  Unfortunately the photos are what last so I'd advise her against such a washed-out color in an over-simple style while she's a blonde.  It's just too much of not enough all at once.

Sarah Hyland may have worn my favorite dress in the nude/beige family.  The slightly darker shade along with the bronze detail on the bodice and her gorgeous jewels were terif.  Too bad she was one of the many women sabotaged by the Too Much Bang Fairy. 

I'm not so sure Julie Bowen's dress belongs in this color category because it's kind of on the grey side but it's got a bit of a beige thing happening too so I'm lumping it in.  Either way, she comes out ahead because while her Aunt Gwenness never goes away for me, this is the best I ever remember seeing her look.  She's wearing the hell out of that dress and her hair and makeup are the perfect compliment.

Scarlett Johansson made her first major public appearance since the dissolution of her marriage to People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive at this event.  An she did it in a drippy, drapey boring number with hair straight out of The Bride Of Frankenstein.  Divorce isn't a competition but...she lost.

Looking Good Is The Best Revenge

I hope Eva Longoria pulled ScarJo aside at some point and gave her tips on how to work it after announcing your divorce.  THIS is what I'm talkin' about!

This Old Thing? I Just Threw It Together

Jennifer Love Hewitt starches her sheets. 

Julianne Moore does not iron her fuscia, satin sheets...not even before stringing them through a necklace and wearing them out in public.

Heidi Klum wore her beach cover-up and every bracelet she owns. 

Pretty In Pink?

Not for Juliana Margulies who I assume didn't intend to look slumped, sagged, stumpy and old. 

Lea Michelle looked pretty because Lea Michelle always looks pretty but I feel like I saw Cameron Diaz wear this exact dress a few years back and I think Cammy's height helped her pull it off a little better than teeny, tiny Lea. 

Claire Danes was a vision in her simple pink sheath that could not have fit her more perfectly.  And again, she matched her hair and makeup to the dress and the occasion perfectly.  This look was made of win.

I kept thinking I should hate something about Natalie Portman's dress with it's enormous red rose on the bust but then she just kept looking so comfortable and beautiful that I couldn't stop loving it.  Pregnancy and happiness agree with this one. 

The Other Best And Worst Bits

I think every girl would like to dress princessy from time to time but just because we want to, doesn't mean we should.  I'm looking at you, Olivia Wilde. 

Jayma Mayes needs to rethink everything that's happening above her shoulders.  And then she needs to give serious thought to whether Morticia Adams was really the look she wanted to go for from the shoulders down.  She needed another week to get ready for this.  At least.

I know some people didn't like the various large poufs on this dress, but I think Amy Adams can pull them off and she looks so good in the jewel tones that I really like it. 

I give mad props to Kyra Sedgwick for wearing a color no one else came close to.  The front view of the dress on TV was really wonderful but this angle doesn't do it quite as much justice.  I just keep wanting to ask if she'd like a sandwich.  My hangup?  Maybe.

I think Halle Berry forgot to put her dress on entirely and just came in her underclothes.  Awkward!

At first I thought I hated Jennifer Lopez's dress, but after a few minutes I changed my mind and decided that I actually kind of love it.  The overlay is just enough to take it from REALLY simple to simply pretty. 

Christina Aguilara got confused and started dressing for the body she wants rather than the body she has.  Embrace your curves, honey, but don't squeeze them, cinch them, stuff them and torture them. 

And one more woman who wore a pop of color that no one else did, Mandy Moore looked amazing in a bright blue gown that I stop just short of loving because I will never love a mermaid dress but if I only look at her from the knees up? Love.

Keep A Good Thought

Because I'm certain that's all that's holding Minka Kelly's dress up.  It would look precarious enough if it were completely strapless but those droopy side-sleeves give the appearance that it's, like, sliding off of her? 

Such a shame too because I think I would have loved this dress if the top of it were...completely different.

The Groom Wore That?

Of course I'm happy for both Shania Twain and Frederic Thiebaud - it must have been incredibly painful for them both when their spouses said "hey, we've been bangin' each other and we're done with you" (I'm paraphrasing).  It's nice that they were able to pick up the pieces and fall in love with each other after that experience. 

Less nice?  That he attended the wedding in what looks like a leisure suit - complete with 1/2 open shirt and man jewelry!  Your wife is crazy-hot, dude.  Time to step it up a notch...or 50. 

La Femme In Space

I wonder if the boys of 30 Seconds to Mars all buy their lady jackets at the same place.  Shannon's sweater coat is maybe the least feminine of them all and it's a SWEATER COAT!   

Ow! My Eyes!

Oh my God in Heaven! There are so many things happening with this outfit that I almost don't know where to start telling her what's wrong with it.

I'm not against mixing patterns by any means because I think that can be really fun. But they should really be patterns that are enjoyable in and of themselves for starters. They should also be patterns that have some tangential relationship to each other - like a similar or complementary color scheme for example. Hardly anything in the world should be accessorized as heavily as this but most especially not anything that is, itself, very busy. And finally, whatever you're wearing should fit you in a way that shows off the very best things about you rather than making your perfectly lovely figure look appallingly unattractive.

This outfit fails on every single level.

Nit Pickery

This is such an adorable picture of Christina Applegate who is, herself, adorable. Seriously, if you don't follow her on Twitter you should do yourself a favor and get on that. But I kinda think she could have chosen a dress that fit her a bit better. I dig it all over except in the bust, where it just doesn't do anything for her.

Why don't my ponytails ever look this good?

I wish Jennifer Aniston would stop being so effing good looking. Frankly, it's starting to get on my nerves. You know what else is kind of bugging me? I suspect she has the world's most gorgeously boring closet. If she organizes hers the same way I do mine - by color - then I'm picturing white, gray, black, navy, beige, the end. Seriously, Jen. Hire a stylist that'll give you reds, greens, bright oranges, purples, shades of blue that can't be confused with black in dim light. There is a whole color wheel out there, and I think you'd be surprised how much more irritatingly gorgeous you'd look in most of it.

If you're scared to jump right into to the deep end, maybe just start with accessories? A fuscia shoe would have kicked this outfit into a whole other gear!

Please Pass The Whipped Cream

While it may not be immediately evident in this picture, Ali Larter is pregnant. And in other photos from this very day, her bump was in full view. I think someone needs to be a good friend to Ali and let her know that it is not ok for a 34 year old pregnant woman to wear a dress short enough so as to allow random passersby to provide her with complimentary pelvic exams.

Never mind what would happen if there happened to be a stiff breeze on this day, but what if someone walked by her briskly, or opened a door near her, sneezed? The hem of that dress would have picked itself up off of her pubic bone and that nameless spot in the back where the top of her thigh meets the bottom of her ass cheek, and fluttered skyward just far enough to show everyone on the street (and, thanks to the ever-present paparazzi, the world) her child's escape hatch.

But the length is not the only sartorially offensive thing about this dress. She also needs to provide her offspring's food supply with a little more support. I mean, if not for their own comfort, than surely for the comfort of those of us you don't want to see her side boob on such aggressive display.

And if the inappropriateness isn't enough to change her mind about this number, maybe someone could point out that it's giving the illusion of considerable back fat which no woman in her right mind wants!

If given a choice between Ali walking down the streets of LA wearing this or the whipped cream bikini she sported in that seminal classic, Varsity Blues, I would obviously vote for the bikini even in her current condition because at least that ensemble kept all of her lady business covered.

And then this happened...

Oh Michelle, NO! What is that thing?

Green With Envy

Like a year or more ago there was a rumor that Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling were dating (while they were filming their movie Blue Valentine which is currently showing at Cannes) and I prayed that it was true. Because how cute a couple are they?

Anyway, this post is not about how how those two could give Matilda a truly adorable sibling. This post is about how cute I think Michelle's new haircut is and how, if I had her face and straight hair, I'd totally get the same cut. I even like the blonder color.

Her makeup is gorgeous too. So fresh and beautiful in a sea of people who are over-lining these days, I do love it when a person goes for a more natural look.

You know what I love the most though? Her shoes! I want to love them and hold them and make them mine.

Ryan's shoes on the other hand? I'm pretending they never happened.

The rest of the story...

After losing her sheep a few times, Little Bo Peep realized she might not be cut out for sheep tending so she started an escort service.

Good Plan

I know Danneel Harris thought that she could distract me by bringing her gorgeous fiancé, Jensen Ackles, with her, but she was wrong - I still noticed that she's wearing a bandage dress. She's certainly got the body for it (damn her!) and I like her shoes a lot, but I still think the bandage dress in all of its many, many, many, many incarnations is ubiquitous and tired.

Jensen sure is purty though. Does anyone else think that he's looking hotter and hotter as he ages and gets those lines around his eyes and stuff?

Well ok, so I was a little distracted by Ackles. I'm only human, what do you want from me?